Conservation College Discovers Climate Change Fix
Called the thujaplicata (THU-jah-plick-AH-tah), the Conservation College proudly announces on this 48th anniversary of Earth Day, a fully proven apparatus to pull carbon, the element responsible for atmospheric greenhouse effect, out of thin air and sequestering it into the ground for millennia.
The Conservation College will begin selling thujaplicatas at the Puyallup Farmers Market starting May 26th, continuing every Saturday until the market season ends, or when climate change reverses, whichever comes first. Look for the Blue Skye Farm booth under the big cedar tree outside the Pioneer Park Pavilion.
The Conservation College has calculated that installing thujaplicatas every 16 feet apart throughout Western Washington will sequester the greatest amount of carbon from the atmosphere while causing the least amount of carbon release over the long term. Thujaplicatas have been crafted with a secret compound which defends it against agents trying to attain its carbon for release into the atmosphere.
In fact, after its expected 1,000 year life span, it takes thujaplicata several decades, or centuries if converted through a simple process, to decompose. Decomposition is the natural cause of the greenhouse effect because fungi, bacteria and animals (which eat living matter through the front of their bodies) transform carbon through the digestive process from a solid into gaseous state, releasing it into the atmosphere (through the rear end of their bodies).
A secondary patent to this invention is the simple process alluded to above: the part which sequesters the carbon into the ground. Dubbed biocharica (BI-o-char-RI-ca), it paradoxically uses a burning process to transform thujaplicata into a state which cannot easily be digested by fungi, bacteria and animals. Usually known to cause air pollution and release carbon into the atmosphere, the burning process is actually a heating process in a low-oxygen setting (like inside an enclosed barrel) so that most of the carbon in thujiplicata transforms into a coal-like substance.
The math on this biocharica process, including the difference between its “activated” and “inactivated” versions, is currently being researched by the Conservation College. However, the process is similar to what most people around a campfire often do late at night, which is to throw unsplit wood onto their dying fire, watch it char into an unrecognizable black chunk of worthless mess for someone else to clean up at a future date, and instead retreating to their sleeping bag while shivering cold.
Controversy Surrounding Thujiplicata
Expected to go to battle with a sophisticated propoganda machine in the United States, thujaplicata is expected to spark an intense argument about about whether it is needed. Other countries are simply expected to argue about how to best use thujaplicata and similar inventions in the coniferae divisionnand many of its similar-sized angiospermae relatives.
In fact, some forces in Russia are actually expected to sabotage thujaplicata because they favor climate change due to its warming of arctic port cities. The Conservation College is not sure what the bigger threat is: those in the U.S. who deny the need for thujaplicata, or those in Russia who want to destroy anything that keeps their northern areas cold and ice-bound.
A secondary threat to the thujaplicata invention are those who simplistically associate every weather pattern, agricultural and aquacultural problem to climate change. A wild card will be the response of Cliff Mass who often rightly uses his popular weather blog to challenge headlines which link weather phenomenon to climate change, especially in the Pacific Northwest where climate won’t change much here until the end of this century. He also writes excellent summaries of evidence showing clear climate change now occurring in the arctic and along low-lying coastal areas of the world. But he sometimes goes too far, making fun of tribes and environmentalists who effectively protest our biggest carbon polluters.
However, as our environmentalist governor Jay Inslee often does when he sees people arguing down a rabbit hole, we should keep our attention on solutions, but not “common sense” solutions. No, common sense is often appealing, but remember, it took facts to convince people that the earth actually goes around the sun and not visa-versa as common sense would argue, just like it will take facts to show people that trees mostly grow out of the air, not out of the ground.
How Thujiplicata Works
Go to https://youtu.be/PABzqBjRHIg if you can’t play this great video on photosythesis.
For more details on what you can do about carbon and the compounds it forms to trap heat inside our atmosphere, see Teacher’s Guide to Carbon & Climate Change or set up a custom-designed class on this theme.